Time to watch Spike TV and GET SOME ACTION…

7:50pm: …but for now I am watching Olbermann. They can’t make me switch early!

8:00pm: Shockingly, the first image of the “Scream” awards telecast was one of a writhing, seemingly naked woman. Welcome to Spike TV.

8:04pm: We are here tonight to honor the already hyper-honored figures of the cinematic multiplex. Sir Anthony Hopkins is glad to be a part of it, as well he should.

8:07pm: First references (yes, plural) to autoeroticism, courtesy those guys who currently play loser protagonists in every movie.

8:09pm: First “Hancock” joke. I would say “use your imagination”, but I really don’t think the imaginative faculty is necessary to guess the context.

8:10pm: “Hellboy II” finally receives the sort of accolade its like always has been denied by the elitist snobs of the Academy.

8:13pm: Commercial break! The first ad is for TNA wrestling. The second is for Captain Morgan. The third is for Taco Bell. We are now fully culturally positioned kthx

8:16pm: Nooooooo…it’s the “Saved by Zero” ad for Toyota.

8:19pm: The nominees for Best Violent and Sexy Comic Book are…

8:20pm: “From the movie you’re dying to see, it’s” some guy I don’t know, but he says his new comic/movie/merchandising franchise is now an “unstoppable force.”

8:23pm: Tribute to Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker. You did NOT see this coming!

8:24pm: HU blogfriend Davin helpfully draws some connections between this event and the Pumpkins’ little world:

(8:14 PM) davin: the list for SP-affiliated comic stuff is large too…..watchmen, batman, incredible hulk, transformers…..
(8:14 PM) davin: this should be a good crowd for them.
(8:14 PM) davin: that and the gothic connection
(8:15 PM) davin: i mean, tim burton is being honored (MCIS font and “pumpkin king” from Nightmare Before Xmas)
(8:17 PM) davin: manson is there….he had those stories about billy gettign fucked up with him in the limo, they were both “acknlowedged” in the nin starfuckers video….
(8:17 PM) davin: the SP connections/references abound…
(8:18 PM) davin: manson and billy should gang up and kick sharon osbourne’s ass
(8:18 PM) davin: and lets not forget kelly, who ragged on zwan
(8:18 PM) davin: and whose boyfriend got kicked in the stomach by billy backstage

8:29pm: First AXE commercial (that I’ve noticed).

8:31pm: Announcer says “All hail rock royalty…[holds breath?!]…The Osbournes.” Ah. Cue “Iron Man.” Sharon talking. It’s kind of like listening to Sarah Palin.

8:33pm: “Dexter” wins an award, to be accepted by “America’s favorite serial killer himself.” Who had that title previously?

8:35pm: Character in a movie clip makes reference to “the gift of reason”. At the moment I’m not entirely enamored of that “gift”.

8:38pm: An “ultra-hot cyborg from the future” introduces the first of two musical performances, this one by the “fabulously freaky” Kerli.

8:42pm: Kerli’s xylophones subside. Someone ate this dude’s Volcano Taco.

8:44pm: ON OCTOBER 26TH… WE ARE ALL GUITAR HEROES. Rated E for everyone.

8:47pm: Announcer’s faux-explicable first words on return from commercial break: “Put up your dukes if you’ve got a Stifler.”

8:49pm: Gary Oldman takes down a…an…I don’t know what the trophies are called.

8:50pm: Winona Ryder drops “Beetlejuice” ref, introduces Tim Burton. My clothes spontaneously cease to reflect light.

8:53pm: After a fantastically fiery delay, Burton appears in a basket borne aloft by a bundle of balloons. I’m not sure what it all meant, but that did look cool.

8:56pm: Dialogue from commercial for “Saw V”:

Male voice: “What the hell is that?!”

Female voice: “Our next nightmare.”

9:01pm (halfway home!): Guy flanked by two women says that he grew up reading a lot of science fiction. Women smile politely.

9:04pm: First use of the term reimagined (that I’ve noticed).

9:11pm: Wes Craven is given “the Mastermind Award”. Gory montage ensues.

9:15pm: Craven says that the F-word is “fans”. Awww. Marilyn Manson promptly emerges on stage and twice uses a different F-word.

9:17pm: Manson enunciates the words, “And the winner is: Penis Bitten Off by Vagina with Teeth.” Society soars over shark.

(9:19 PM) davin: no mention of SP since the very beginning, eh?

9:23pm: Announcer: “Please welcome Dexter’s girlfriend.” I guess there’s something to be said for not even pretending to respect the role.

9:29pm: In the race for Best Horror Actress, Jena Malone and her bloodstains lose out to Liv Tyler and her bloodlines. Better luck in your music career, Ms. Malone.

9:31pm: “Coming up: Smashing Pumpkins are back, and we’ve got them on ‘Scream’.”

9:35pm: “For 20 years, this band has been melting our minds…” “The lords of intergalactic rock” are at last on stage.

9:36pm: Way too much camera time for the dancers relative to the band…even if it probably isn’t that much. I just can’t take it at this point, haha.

9:37pm: The bridge!

(9:38 PM) pins: so can you feel it?
(9:38 PM) jjb: i don’t know. am i the “you”?
(9:38 PM) pins: i don’t know, that’s the only line i know

9:39pm: Gerard Way on stage to introduce the makers of “Watchmen”.

9:41pm: New “Watchmen” footage makes its “world premiere” to the strains of, yes, “The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning”. Coming soon to a million YouTube accounts!

9:43pm: I’m out, sorry.  That was more than enough.

Pictures and hips don’t lie; more from Getty Images here.

PR sez: “Smashing Pumpkins brought down the house with an earth-shattering rendition of their new single and the #1 most added song on Modern Rock Radio ‘G.L.O.W.’ …”

UPDATE: A few arrival pictures have been posted at IESB.net.

UPDATE:  More shots in the comments.

The Spike “Scream” awards, while seeking to honor “everything that is great about COMICS, FANTASY, SCI-FI, and HORROR”, dispense with suspense:

The third annual televised event tapes Saturday, October 18 at The Greek Theater in Los Angeles, CA and premieres Tuesday, October 21 (9:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT) on Spike TV. …

The Grammy Award-winning rock band Smashing Pumpkins will perform their new hit “G.L.O.W..”

You hear that? “G.L.O.W.” = hit. How do we know?

Currently the #1 most added song at Modern Rock Radio, “G.L.O.W.,” has already received ninety-four adds since its release two weeks ago and has logged over 850 spins in its first week alone.

All true enough, but I bet the band would like to see the song get unstuck from the #25 spot it’s held for a few days now.

From a draft press release:

What is Spike Scream Awards??-

This 2-hour television extravaganza pays homage to everything that is great about COMICS, FANTASY, SCI-FI, and HORROR. The amount of talent and creativity that goes into these genres needs to be recognized, we were the FIRST ones to celebrate and honor them. that is where Scream comes in and kicks ass.

Scream will not only be packed with killer A-list talent, but it will be full of the hottest women around. All of your favorite heroes hero’s, legends, and freaks will gather for one incredible night!. And like any good graphic novel, action will ensue.

And to complete the whole Scream experience, Spike will transform the Greek Theatre in LA into audience eye candy, a visually stimulating experience that will be consistent with the show’s edgy theme, full of action, thrills, shocks, and surprises.

One action-laden portion of this edgy ass-kicking will be a performance by the Smashing Pumpkins. The stimulating experience will be taped October 18 to air three days later on Viacom’s awesomely manly cable channel The New New The National Network (tagline: “It’s TNN squared, motherfuckers!”).

So will the Pumpkins go with new rocker “G.L.O.W.” to amp up the betatted attendees energy-drink stylee? Or will they blast the rent-a-crowd with acoustic guitars, as they did in MTV Australia’s “beat dungeon” a few months back? Time and testosterone will tell.

On its next cover, Rolling Stone will lay out “The 100 Greatest Guitar Songs of All Time”. Shockingly, peeps is already arguing about it…and this entry probably gets everyone’s hackles up, whether they like the Pumpkins or not:

70. “Bullet with Butterfly Wings”
Smashing Pumpkins (1995)

It’s consummate Nineties alt-rock: a song about the commodification of angst set to “up-and-down rock guitars, pounding drums,” as singer-guitarist Billy Corgan puts it. But Corgan also mocks his own discontent with a laughing wah-wah at the end.

Below: The Adore-era live video that the RS website used to illustrate (YouTube)

Yes, those words were spoken at the 1994 Grammy Awards. And then, here are Bono’s semi-inscrutable first words at the podium after taking the trophy from Tony Bennett:

Yeah, alternative. I wanna see the Smashin’ Pumpkins in the stadiums, anyway.

Below: What else? (YouTube)